Reflections on free will... and Time.
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My time to write this is limited.
That's what I would say if I wanted to live life in a way that's overly aware of how many other things might be a better use of my limited time. Yeah, literally, my time is always limited. Just like everyone else's. But that doesn't mean I can't feel like I'm allowed to take whatever time I want to right now to write this. If I want to start and finish it now for example, I can.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with an awareness of how one uses their time. Gotta be careful though, because if you have:
Things you feel strongly about spending time on, but aren't spending much time on
Stuff you do spend time doing that may be better to cut back on
Goals, projects, ambitions...
Then there's risk to start feeling guilty that you've not been doing a certain thing you want to do. Or need to do. Opinions differ on which feeling is worse, but everyone feels this limitation. We've all got too many things we'd like (or need) to do, for the amount of time we've got. Some people though, have a relatively high propensity for thinking about how they are spending that time. The thought comes more frequently, or appears in consciousness in a more intense fashion. This is about those of us who find ourselves thinking about how we're spending time in a given moment, or how we have been spending our time recently, how we've spent it the past year, etc.
I don't really think I should be tugging on my hangnails right now. Darn it. There's blood on my right index finger now. Ouch! That hurt, so...why did I do that, again? It'll take a couple days to heal, and of course that's damage I've inflicted upon myself.... lol DUMBASS!!
Importantly, I don't feel too bad about it because I don't think that having a small bad habit as a human being deserves much feeling of guilt. But if we know we shouldn't do it, why do we?
There are people who know a bunch more than me about behavioral psychology, but if there's one thing I am sure of, plenty of those same people still pick at their face. Subsequently, reading self-help books to increase your knowledge pool doesn't mean you'll act on the tactics, or stop doing things you now know more of the governing mechanisms behind. That said — in conjunction with the truth that I didn't want to do that to my poor widdle index finger — it is interesting evidence against having free will. I don't like it. Don't appreciate it. Don't f**k with it. Not at all, even a little bit. Behavioral psych experts, feel free to hop in the comments ;)
Logical continuation here: there's the question of how much control we have over how we spend our time. Is it a question of "how have you decided to spend your time in the past year," or how have you had to spend your time? Now we're getting somewhere. In any given moment, you can remind yourself that you've got free will to take whatever action, but there's a duality. You've got obligations, don't you? Congratulations, you're an adult.
“You are free to choose, but you are not free to alter the consequences of your decisions.”
― Ezra Taft Benson [[1]]
Example, "I can't quit my job." You actually can. You need only bear the consequences.
"I couldn't just restart my life in a foreign country soon." But, you could! You absolutely, truly, could just....do that, and accept the consequences of the choice. That you do have.
Let's return to my earlier question though, so we can acknowledge a reality. The above dialogue isn't supposed to be some lens through which I'd want you to peer through and see an argument for a world where no one actually has any obligations. The reality is I relate much more to the average person who agrees that obligations do exist. You're still not going to just decide one day that you know what, "I can just stop taking care of my grandmother, and now I'm free to travel the world!"
Some folks just have more leeway than others when it comes to deciding vs having to. And in that conversation about how time can be spent, I'm much further to the deciding side of things. I feel like I've got a ton of free will these days, being out of school, no homework, self-employed. I support myself by getting enough clients to trust me with their music education on Sundays thru Tuesdays, and for Wednesdays through Saturdays? Completely up to me. If I want to work? Up to me. Answer the phone or not? Up to me.
Respond to texts or make them wait. Catch up on emails and digital newsletters I subscribe to (like this one), or watch YouTube to catch up on the news or learn about economics, geopolitics, social trends, the gaming industry, etc. Read my book or put some unpaid hours of work into startup content creation stuff. I have so much choice that some days I wonder if it would be easier to just have a secure 9 to 5, where someone or an organization decides what my time can be spent doing. It sounds crazy, because obviously I would be assigned stuff that I don't want to do. I would lose freedom. But maybe it is less stressful, and there will also be many more things related to my content creation aspirations that I don't want to do either.
These are just my reflections, though. I decided on my current path a couple years ago, and I'm not going to make a pivot like that. Despite the removal of simplicity of schedule (which I do feel like I thrive with), this is a way for me to learn about how to design my own schedule. I'm basically forced to learn and decide what things I actually value, compared to someone who has a bunch of things to think about related to their most pressing obligations. Now, we all still have our values that dictate the way we spend the freedom we DO have outside obligations, but lately I'm feeling that having this larger blank slate — where I am allowed to design the rest of my life as a 25 year old — is making me constantly think about what my core values are, and how they're going to dictate how I spend my time. Again, up to me. No one is dictating how I should be spending my time, and I love that, but the idea of me being the one having to get it right — the next 10 years of my life trajectory — is still a bunch of pressure.
Luckily, the vast majority of the time, I don't actually feel it as pressure. None of it makes me anxious. A couple of good chapters in a couple of fantastic books got me to start thinking in a way that makes me comfortable with the time I have to keep try, and to make mistakes along the way of building the life I want. And just like everybody else, I have to figure out what that means. No pressure, but I'm definitely reflecting about what it is that I want, almost every day. I'm always thinking about it. It's one of the things I'm most interested in — myself, and what I am going to do. There's a duality here, too. I'd like my long-term goals as well as my normal day to day to strike an idea balance between self-serving, and selfless. Work on eventually being as close as one can be to their ideal day to day, while helping a bunch of others along the way and making meaningful connections.
Absent self-obsessed weirdos who threw out their empathy and reason somewhere along their path —
Isn't that what we all would like to be doing with our time?
Let me know your thoughts as I will appreciate hearing about the experiences of others on this topic, and hopefully reading my post was time well spent! I hope you enjoy the rest of the time you've got free this week and the next... and dare I say, even some of your time spent fulfilling obligations. Use it well!
[[1]]: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/230871-you-are-free-to-choose-but-you-are-not-free Philosophical stuff. Yay.
